CuppaGemma

Be curious. Be kind. Learn and build on.

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Unknowns are uncomforts

July 13th, 2009 · Older Essays

“I will show you fear in a handful of dust.” T.S. Eliot

Always use the proper names for things. Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself.” J.K. Rowling

Fear can’t hurt you any more than a dream.” William Golding

Unless one says goodbye to what one loves, and unless one travels to completely new territories, one can expect merely a long wearing away of oneself and an eventual extinction.” Jean DeBuffet

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.” Anatole France

They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” Andy Warhol

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Alternate realities…

July 13th, 2009 · Older Essays

“The politics of resentment are impervious to facts.” Frank Rich

“Our life is not so much threatened as our perception. Ghostlike we glide through nature, and should not know our place again.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Your opinion is your opinion, your perception is your perception–do not confuse them with “facts” or “truth”. Wars have been fought and millions have been killed because of the inability of men to understand the idea that EVERYBODY has a different viewpoint.” John Moore

“The most important distinction between aggression and assertion is its intent. During assertion, we move ourselves toward another; during aggression, we move ourselves against another.” Georgia Lanoil

Sooner or later all the people of the world will have to discover a way to live together in peace, and thereby transform this pending cosmic elegy into a creative psalm of brotherhood. If this is to be achieved, man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.” Martin Luther King Jr.

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Stubborn idea

July 10th, 2009 · Older Essays

When the wind quits, you row.

A lot of folks will wall you or themselves with sandbags of “can’t”. In the moment of tension and difficulty rather than being solution oriented, they throw hands up and suggestions out because….

there are unknowns.

Let’s not ask and let’s not tell.

But what happens really when a situation changes direction- do you all sit in the boat arguing how you ought to have set out this many days before so you would be that far ahead? Do you stand staring out at the water hoping for a poof of breeze that is not the heaving breath of the person beside you lamenting it all?

Or do you say, okay context has changed, action has changed. Here’s what we are going to do. I think the folks that are strongest in times of hardship are the ones who walk through the moments with no defined expectations of the path or the manner in which it will be traveled. They are the ones who focus on “go” rather than “how come this happened”  or “oh dear this is too hard, can we think about it tomorrow?”

Doers.

“Adventure means risking something, and it is only when we are doing that, that we know what a splendid thing life is and how well it can be lived. The person who never dares, never does; the person who never risks, never wins. It is far better to venture and fail than to lie on a rug like a sleepily purring cat. Only fools laugh at failure; wise people laugh at the lazy and the too contented and at those who are so timid that they dare undertake nothing.”A. Gerboult

“The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.” Leo Buscaglia

If you think about it, of all the time there is to be spent we only get one brief little sliver. It’s all our own but compare the years of a life with how long some buildings have stood and let an ongoing series of different voices march through. In that time you have to do something and to be alive how actively do you choose?

You could spend the days and the hours watching television and being annoyed with the boredom of work, of family, of suburbia and of the lines at the grocery store.  You could choose to spend years half awake and let your mind become atrophied against energy against passion or intensity.

Or you could choose not to engage in those commitments and instead yourself accountable for living life in an alive way. The kind where you talk with people and find moments and relationships somewhat precious.

Where you know there is no return option for years, months, days or even just an hour that you chose to pour down the drain. Unlike a lost piece of jewelry that you might get from the neck of the sink pipe at the bend, time goes straight down the tube to the past.

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Public and private perceptions…

July 9th, 2009 · He said, She said, Older Essays

“We want the facts to fit the preconceptions. When they don’t it is easier to ignore the facts than to change the preconceptions.” Jessamyn West

Tatamae and honne are Japanese terms. The first refers to your outer or public face. The one where you smile and respectfully show appropriate amounts of deference respect or asserted loyalties to a company, a person, an idea. In some ways it is tatamae that holds things together because the mask of order and peacefulness is important for keeping things functioning. This is what you would show to a neighbor that you cannot actually stand but maintain pleasantries with in the market or on the train. Tatamae is also like the party line you chose to tow or the character assumptions you make of someone. It’s kind of like a preconceived notion. Sound bytes. The black and white sentence you assign to someone. No personal growth allowed.

Honne is what you actually think feel and believe. It’s also what comes after you sit and go over the years of fine print and consider more than that one sentence assessment. It doesn’t kowtow to keep the peace.

You don’t show or reveal your honne to anyone- or at most a very close knit group who would also share their concerns. Honne is not what happens after too many drinks on a late night with colleagues. That’s extra advanced tatamae to maintain the appropriate comments and context despite that fourth beer tempting you to put the bottle down a little bit harder on the table and shoot things straight. It might sneak out in the intensity in your eyes though.

For the first few years in Japan it was a point of sincere frustration that so much orchestration and layers had to be built around things. Change was slow and took lots of discussion and consensus. It seemed circuitous and inefficient. That was until I had stayed long enough to appreciate the purpose that tatamae served. It allows distance and space in addition to politeness in a place where there could easily be none.

I remember the commute in the morning. There was a rhythm to hustling up the stairs to catch the first train, switching at Shibuya for the next and how the seats were up so more people could fit. People would queue and be within inches of one another, But somehow you maintain personal space and a sense of self. I came to appreciate how layers can help you to maintain your ownness when within arms reach of a window or a porch was another neighbor.

Here still in New York I experience iterations of a tatamae of sorts.

It seems more flailing and desperate than suited for a purpose. If we ignore the way things are long enough, they will get better. And if I don’t state the facts as is or I only choose the ones that make the story go the way I wish it to, well then no one will know, maybe not even me- right? How long and how hard can I spin a story until inaccuracy is more farcical than fact?

In relationships and even in companies there is a desire rooted in fear to pound the same sentence on the table over and over again so it will resonate outside your fist on wood and actually be true. But after a while all that’s left is a person holding onto shadows, alone.

No one buys the sound byte or listens to the story. And the characters that they try to contain as fops or as failures have lives full of facts that make those images fade.

Soro soro…. It’s time to leave.

Time to walk home with honne to honne talks with those who are willing to see the distance between facts and intended perceptions.

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