CuppaGemma

“It’s not speed, it’s the ability to maneuver that really matters”

The owner of the hobby shop where my older son gets advice and repairs for his remote control cars has told me this. He knows it from years of flying model airplanes and competing.

“I fix, I fix. Aspetta….”

My great grandmother would say that one.

Enter modern motherhood, caffeinated edition…

Sit on both sides of the mommy wars fence- the dedicated stay at homer who never used a stroller, crib or a bottle and spent a lot of hours doing playgroups and memorizing Dr Seuss. Evolve into the career driven multi-tasker who keeps similar hours and also haggles with repairmen.  Somewhere in middle file for divorce, maintain temporary limbo of sleeping in spare office of broken house until such time that foreign woman on dependent spouse visa  will secure both rental lease in her own name (also file petition for legal use of original moniker, and change passport immediately pursuant to the court doc arriving in post) and meaningful employment that can pay the bills. Go from counseling mothers and doing allied health care to part time gigs writing and editing.

Refuse to be confined or defined by criticism or statistical probability of failure. Develop a taste for imported beer and Italian reds.  Cook meals for friends and welcome them to come by to nosh or stay the evening because too many years in Tokyo makes us all a little bit off and lonely.

Purchase guitar and practice. Forget guitar in taxi whilst riding home with boys full of mud because the afternoon got extended with a long play in the park where the children are encouraged to build and make things and be as kinesthetic as they darn well please. Run because it really matters onto Yutenji station and catch the cab back with polite request to pop trunk because thankfully he is there in the queue.

Correct misuse of old name with polite smiles at the international school where the children attend. Deal with flares of chronic illness by studying med-line, reading the Lancet, and going through AAP recommendations on different topic entirely. Learn more Japanese, have less sleep.  Laugh.

Re-base to States.  Settle in boys to new country, home country and yes you have to say the pledge and no most of your friends have not got passports. Get started in new job, learn the value of keeping friendships with phone calls and letters, the real kind sent with stamp. Enjoy the air on the ferry boat home, especially the oldest in the fleet. Walk from Christopher street to Columbus Circle for work in the morning for the sake of the word play and tone to legs. Talk with street vendors. Have two eggs on roll with salt pepper ketchup.

Change gears again when the department closes. Make a pitch and move on. Settle into new role, different intensity. Find what peace there is to be had in bumper to bumper traffic on the Van Wyck at 7 am. Take the hour each way as a private sanctuary of thought. Enjoy walking along Lake Ontario in the the black silence of night. Send text message four years late, even though Reason worked out logic at the first peeled label.

Continue on 1-95 for however many miles. Talk with new friends in new ways. Spend hours looking at sites and following trends in the how and what of content. Step away from moments that bear too much resemblence to Dilbert.

Work on scroll paper again. Visit Europe on occasion of frustration or free days, search for cheapest air fare.  Check no bags and keep learning verbs. Sit with little boys until their questions are answered. Cook more and stick with perimeter shopping for eggs, butter, fresh cheeses and banter with the butcher over how much chopped meat is needed. Continue with laughter. Smile as you play hardball, choose the circumstances carefully. Find the value in friendship where the shared sensibility to walk three miles for pizza or spend four hours too busy in conversation to need a meal makes you change your mind on the ten year specs… Sit on lifeguard chairs at boardwalk and take seaglass home.

And keep at it. The only thing that is rigid is a commitment to be flexible and and eagerness to want to understand the wholeness of a situation. The subtle complexities that only come out because you are willing to ask questions. Be at the ready to shift and shift again.

It’s not a race for speed or even destination, it’s the need to be able to sustain yourself and show those around you who love you and need you that everything is fine.

For the moments when it’s not, tears can be wiped and little hearts repaired, because that is what a woman, a mother does by default. She makes sense out of the maw of madness that surrounds and keeps a pace. Home is a moving target, best realized by moments not addresses.