CuppaGemma

“Either is fine, which day do you prefer?”

My ex-husband and I shared a laugh. We’re both trying to be considerate of one another for Christmas. We both want the holidays to be happy and memorable for the boys. We’d talked about gifts too as trying to ascertain the key desires of adolescents is not easy.

I am grateful that we can have conversations.

The ability to talk and negotiate is part of how we raise our children. Mom and dad are divorced and both remarried, these are facts the boys long since take for given. They can go back and forth between homes parents and stepparents and it’s okay.

It is not always perfect, as we have had several- heated discussions over time. But we’ve always managed to get past emotional nonsense and posturing in order to work through the question at hand with the kids.

This is not easy for divorced parents. The thought crosses your mind when discussions mire or have raised voices, “There is a reason we got divorced you know…” or ” “Oy vey, will you never, ever change?” But that’s the crux really- can you put yourself and or your past aside and just think about the kids? Are you able to say- “Not solving this actually doesn’t help anyone in the long run, so let’s solve and move on?”

Kids remember, kids notice.

What do we want them to learn?

Watching your parents divorce is a lesson itself. How your parents treat each other before, during and after the divorce stays with them. It’s an example of how you choose to treat people, of how you choose to be accepting and how much of your present and future is fueled or defined by the past.

My ex-husband and I want the same things for our children. We want them to be compassionate and empathetic. We want them to treat everyone with kindness and respect. But really we want that openness to be a given, not a grandstand issue or scripted moments to prove a point.

It’s the mundane of meeting by happenstance in the bagel store on Christmas eve morn. A bubbly little boy dashing back and forth between mom and Chris and Chuck while we all wait in line. It’s Chuck coming by to let us know what’s happened with Thomas’s friend. It’s going to things together (but separate) so the kids see the gang’s all here.

There are no sides, just family. Period.

We can look at things with much laughter because time and life have passed, so we could swap Tokyo stories together. We had good times, we had bad times. We are glad we made the choices we did to take our lives on separate courses, but the boys are a common bond between us. We don’t keep annotated ticklists to evaluate one another over time. Parents and children give and receive love. It is not contingent on meeting baseline criteria.

This was not always easy, but we have both tried to be fair to each other. Four and half years ago Chuck and I agreed that the boys and me would return to the states. His life and work would remain in Tokyo. I felt there was both privilege and obligation in that decision.

Privilege that on the deepest level he trusted me with the boys to raise them well. Obligation that he, as their father had right to be in their lives and it was part of my responsibility as their mother to ensure they would both know and respect their dad. Reality was there were and remain unknowns in navigating those decisions. Reality is that variables change, so you have to keep reevaluating what makes sense and what is needed.

There is a humanness in it all. Those actions are the ones I hope resonate most deeply with the boys.

Mom and dad were always decent to each other. They are both good people.

In half a year much has happened.

Or perhaps not much at all.

May I say both?

There is a particular kind of happiness that comes from being settled. The boys get taller, Chris and I laugh. There is much bustle. He’s on planes to Europe, I’ve done 400 mile day trips to work with clients. We like the energy of it all. Ryan goes through more and more books. Thomas continues to take things apart and re-purpose them to work more effectively. Chris makes us all waffles on Sundays.

There’s a comfort in the morning routine of the boys not wanting to wake up, and us hurrying off to get into the city as my parents take the boys into school. It’s rather nice to commute in together and depending on who has an early meeting or not- then make the walk longer so we can grab a coffee and chat more before parting ways in our respective hats. We meet back at the library and head home. The four of us talk in the evening. Their dad calls or Skypes often.

Lately there’s been a few stories on stepfamilies and remarriages because of a Pew Research survey, “The Decline of Marriage and Rise of New Families.”

I suppose our family unit would make for an interesting case study.

We’re both remarried, we both have kids, we share similar interests, education and earning potential. We were both separated for years. My husband is older then me and remarried soon after divorce. I took a few years and own my own home.

Neither of us had actively been seeking a partner out, it simply happened that our drive to solve issues at work began a friendship that has turned into a wonderful partnership.

Friendship, respect and support form the basis of our relationship. Maybe that’s not very exciting and researchers would prefer to cite socio-economic factors as key indicators of our success, or our desire to be married. (Except that neither of us thought it would be something we would want, until we knew one another.)

I actually like my husband. And I can’t underscore how much that matters in a relationship, that on a very basic level people “like” one another.

The “like” is what makes routine things enjoyable. We’ll walk together to the dry cleaners because we are happy for the conversation. It’s not a chore chart of assignments and resentments. We both know respect the intensity that work requires at times which may delay the dust bunny elimination from beneath the bed. So we deal with it together. Who does what shifts, depending on a changing set of variables.

What’s changed for us are the constants and the variables in our lives. Quite different then five or two years ago. I think that’s part of what has made the difference for us. We are willing to see potentials. Or perhaps you could call it refactoring.

As a mother there are many things I want my boys to understand. Compassion, respect and empathy rank high among them. To be caring and considerate of others. These qualities matter more then using the appropriate fork for salad, or what outfit you choose to wear in the morning.

I’m happy that we gave the privilege of growing up in more then one place, with more then one language or culture surrounding them. I want them to comprehend there are many ways to do things, and many kinds of relationships with people. All of which evolve over time. One way does not outrank another, it is just different and there is always context around why one person makes the choices they do (or don’t).

Last night we went to the diner with our friends. We are hosting a homestay with my friends from Denmark’s daughters. We were a large group since a few of the neighborhood kids wanted to join. Everyone had milkshakes. Listening to the kids all talk about their hometowns and their lives in general made me smile. Some things are constant across cultures- like who is using Facebook and YouTube and Google. Frustrations with parents and siblings. Also a gentleness to try to explain a word or concept- or around that word or concept with someone. The kids have that down pat.

They all share an eagerness to understand- like the determination you have to ride a bicycle or do a cartwheel. And there is laughter. But also support- let’s say this word over again, or tell me more about that.

Maybe kids understand the value of humanness in a way that we forget as adults. They want to listen.

Thanks to all of our family and friends for their support and good wishes. Pictures are on Chris’s Flckr site

Christopher Smith, Aileen Gemma Fedullo are married
By Staten Island Advance

March 27, 2010, 4:47AM
STATEN ISLAND, N.Y. —
Aileen Gemma Fedullo and Christopher Smith were living in different states when they first met. Though neither was thrilled with the idea of a long-distance relationship, they had real chemistry and decided to give it a go anyway.

It proved to be worth it: The couple tied the knot last weekend.

Because travel was a major part of their courting process, it seemed fitting to the couple to build their wedding plans around a form of transportation. They envisioned a wedding in motion.

Ultimately, they settled on getting married aboard the Staten Island Ferry, which they both take during their commute to work.

Work is actually what brought them together. They both were employees of the former Financial Times Search, based in Stamford, Conn. Mr. Smith, a senior director of software engineering was living in Natick, Mass. Ms Fedullo, a content editor, was living in Midland Beach and worked from home and in Connecticut.

Because their job responsibilities were intertwined, meeting at some point was inevitable. The exact moment came in September 2008, when Ms. Fedullo drove to Massachusetts for a business meeting.

The two immediately hit it off and a friendship developed. Phone calls and office visits became more frequent. Six months later, they began dating, despite both being wary of a long-distance relationship.

“Skype video is nice but not the same as sitting beside someone,” explained the bride.

After accumulating way too many miles on their cars, Mr. Smith moved to Midland Beach last June.

In December, as they were coming home from a vacation in Berlin, they had a stopover in Paris. Mr. Smith popped the question at the base of the Eiffel Tower, offering a green apple ring pop to seal the deal.

For their wedding, the couple arrived at the Ferry in the rumble seat of a 1931 Model A Ford Roadster, owned and driven by the bride’s father, Joseph Fedullo. They boarded the Barbieri ferry for its noon crossing, and exchanged marriage vows at a ceremony, officiated by Capt. Arnold Wonsever, a U.S. Coast Guard captain and ordained chaplain.

Warren Coffey, a retired detective and sergeant with the city Police Department, and his wife, Joanne, served as the witnesses. The newlyweds then were whisked off to John F. Kennedy International Airport, where they boarded a plane for a honeymoon in Rome.

The couple is planning a post-wedding reception in the Colonnade Restaurant, Grant City, in May.

The bride is the daughter of Aileen J. and Joseph A Fedullo of Midland Beach, and has two sons, Thomas and Ryan Emerling.

The bridegroom is the son of Murray Smith of Leominster, Mass., and the late Priscilla Smith, and the stepson of Jean Smith. He has two sons, Oliver and Jake Wilder-Smith.

Mrs. Smith, a graduate of St. Joseph Hill Academy, Arrochar, earned a bachelor of arts degree in English and a fine arts degree in creative writing from Brooklyn College, where she received cum laude honors. She earned a master of arts degree in human development from Pacific Oaks College, Pasedena, Calif., and is a content strategist with avVenta Worldwide, Manhattan, and a freelance writer.

Mr. Smith is a graduate of Leominster High School and earned a bachelor of science degree in computer science from Elizabethtown (Pa.) College. He is a business technology manager with Elsevier in Manhattan, and has patent for a software program.