I admire Amy Chua.
She’s started a conversation because she’s found a way to tell a story that hits on many nerves. That doesn’t mean I agree or disagree with her choices, but when you can bring energy to a controversy, I respect the discussion that’s started.
Reality is relative and emotionally charged rhetoric cuts deep.
Every parent knows this, and every parent has a unique lens on life, culture and what a successful family means. I’ve know families who are adamant about homeschooling, sports, grades, volunteering, lifestyle and religion. I’m not going to say on is more or less right then the other.
We could all make impolite observations about each other, and point to one offs which illustrate the failure of a parent and a child. I’m not sure what that accomplishes really, and as a mom I get tired of posturing discussions where one side tries to prove worth by showing another side’s flaws.
It gets snippy really fast and everyone becomes reduced to stereotypes. We all try. Kids are complex, they are not fixed- it’s all ongoing variables.
What does it mean to be a successful parent?
That your child attends a fancy school, with perfect grades?
Or that he can hold a conversation and treats others with respect and compassion?
That he led life driven and pushed along paths- or that he felt the messiness otherwise known as actual experience that cannot be carefully sculpted with selected (and avoided) exposure to people and places?
The list could goes on and the permutations are not mutually exclusive.
From a mother’s point of view- I respect there are many ways of doing things, and one way should not be taken out of context or distilled down to a few behaviors and then judged.
My own children were born and raised in a country and culture that was not their own which influenced how they developed- we had the privilege of not quite belonging to one culture, but to really consider how we introduced our own traditions to them. This includes relationships with extended family, and why they matter.
Parents and children are often judged, and the causalities are not often accurate or fair.
Then throw in culture and the pot boils over.
Is coddling a Western tradition? Is narrow mindedness or black and white thinking?
Have we sometimes gone too far with making sure everyone feels self esteem and success? Perhaps at times, yes. But then speak with people who have been bullied, or who work in schools where they have watched the dynamic play back and forth- there is merit in trying to be fair. If you really want to have the discussion, then the starting point is a very complex ecosystem where context is king.
What’s success?
Is it defined by your income- I don’t think that in and of itself equates to happiness. Is it achieving a certain level of job, earning potential, having the “right” spouse and correct number of children with appropriate grades and talents? To some maybe.
The larger question is- do you like your life, do like what you do in it? (And if not, what are you doing about it?)
That questions applies to both parents and children. I think if kids see a model of parents who are content, who are friends and companions that both work hard and enjoy their chosen profession it’s a good example. If children see that parents support them, at times push them- and even at times allow them to fail, there is a genuine reality in that. It’s important for children to see that their mother and father have roles beyond being their mother and father. They have adult relationships, they have work (and yes that means taking care of home). Life is not siloed.
Cultures are not inherently right or wrong- they are just networks of people who have commonness in how they relate and see life.
Kids need to see the wider context of community- there are different families, different schools, different paths. And somehow they also need to know there is a validity and a challenge in each of those paths.
Amy’s choices as a parent are for her and her family to decide if they worked. Her book is an approach, but not the only one and not a definitive commentary on a culture, or living one culture’s values while inhabiting another country and culture’s location.
The question I pose to parents and children- is how do you feel about your life? What do you want to do?
